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On the Lighter Side

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Re: On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Tue 03 Mar 2015, 10:01 am

On the Lighter Side

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is
too far from the stage.

He signals to the usher and says, "This is a mystery,
and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better
seat and I'll give you a handsome tip."

So, the usher moves him to the center of the third row,
and the man, after a high five, hands the usher a
quarter. Yep, a mere 25 cents. 

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, smiles,
leans over, and quietly whispers, "The wife did it."

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Re: On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Wed 25 Feb 2015, 5:41 pm

On the Lighter Side

A DC-10 airliner had come in a little fast and thus had
an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. 

If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to
the airport."
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Re: On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Wed 25 Feb 2015, 5:22 pm

On the Lighter Side

At one point during a baseball game, the coach said to
one of his young players, "Do you understand what
cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded
in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what
matters is whether we win together as a team?" The
little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when
a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't
argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand
all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said
the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your
mother.
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Re: On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Thu 05 Feb 2015, 10:26 am

On the Lighter Side

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close
enough to talk to God. 

Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million
years mean to you?" 

The Lord replies, "A minute." 

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to
you?" 

The Lord replies, "A penny." 

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" 

The Lord replies, "In a minute." 

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Re: On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Mon 26 Jan 2015, 12:59 am

On the Lighter Side

Golfer 1: "Why are you so late?"

Golfer 2: "I had to toss a coin between going to church
or playing golf, and it took 25 tosses to get it
right!"

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Re: On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Sun 18 Jan 2015, 9:19 pm

On the Lighter Side

"Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I
can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,
right?"

"Er -- right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the
Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So
what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz
all the grown-ups doin'?"

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Re: On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Mon 12 Jan 2015, 12:38 am

On the Lighter Side

Newspaper Article Mistakes!

Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and
lectured on "Destructive Pests." A large number were
present.

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion, but
City officials are holding their breath until it is
officially finished.

The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan
to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the
Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest
outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade
yesterday headed by the Governor. 

The attorney general's office said yesterday that an
autopsy performed on the headless body of a man found
in Mason failed to determine the cause of death.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and
Thursday, which will be followed by Friday.

  -- Source Unknown
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Re: On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Sat 27 Dec 2014, 8:54 pm

On the Lighter Side

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly
fuming. 

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had
slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled
high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the
cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into
the cart and asked, "So which six items would you like
to buy?" 

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Re: On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Sun 21 Dec 2014, 5:41 pm

On the Lighter Side

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me.
He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said
to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He said, "I'm a former window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."

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Re: On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Sun 14 Dec 2014, 5:24 pm

On the Lighter Side

Wife texted husband one morning: "Windows frozen ...
will not open."

Husband texted back: "Gently pour on lukewarm water."

Five minutes later wife texted back: "Computer really
fouled up now!"

  -- Submitted by Bob Reese
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Re: On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Mon 08 Dec 2014, 10:30 am

On the Lighter Side

Out of the Mouth of Babes...

What do most people do on a date?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them
to get to know each other. Even boys have something to
say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8 

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and
that usually gets them interested enough to go for a
second date." -- Martin, age 10

When is it okay to kiss someone?

"When they're rich." -- Pam, age 7 

"The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that." -- Curt, age 7 

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you
should marry them and have kids with them. It's the
right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?

"It's better for girls to be single ... but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." --
Anita, age 9
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On the Lighter Side

Post  Admin on Sun 30 Nov 2014, 12:57 pm

On the Lighter Side

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar
voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. 

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. 

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. 

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it
serious?" 

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.
"There are three doctors there already!"

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On the Lighter Side

A DC-10 airplane had come in a little fast and thus had
an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway if you are able. 

If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to
the airport."

  Source: Unknown
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Re: On the Lighter Side

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