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Share your Jokes smiles here

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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 07 Oct 2015, 8:01 pm

October 7, 2015
 
 
HUMOR 
 
Chocolate Chip Cookies and Children's Church
 
During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon."

One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example.

He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation.

Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?" 

A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he replied.

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 19 Aug 2015, 9:06 pm

August 19, 2015
 
 
HUMOR
 
A Math Funny
 
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol.  The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it.  "I teach math there," I explained. 

The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem.  A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance,  what’s her total cost?" 

I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who 
hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." 
 
He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 13 Aug 2015, 10:12 pm

HUMOR
 
New Cab Driver
 
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The Taxi driver said, "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver.

I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 06 Aug 2015, 7:25 pm

HUMOR
 
Shorty
 
My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height, or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject. 

One day, he and I went to lunch at a Sub shop. "I'll take the Italian," he said to the guy behind the 
counter. "Salami, Provolone, and peppers."  

Do you want a full hero or half one?" came the reply. 

"Ah... gimme a half," my friend says. 

After placing our orders, we took our seats. A few minutes later, my friend grimaced when we heard... "Small Italian, your order is up!"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 16 Jul 2015, 11:15 am

HUMOR
 
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 09 Jul 2015, 3:15 pm

“CHRISTIAN VOICES”
 
 July 8, 2015
 
 
HUMOR
 
Worship Response
 
Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 01 Jul 2015, 8:49 am

July 1, 2015
 
 
HUMOR
 
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" 

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.
 
…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 29 Jun 2015, 9:16 am

HUMOR
 
Speed Trap
 
My sister Candice's husband drove right into a radar trap. And because Candice was following him in her car, the police officer nabbed her too. 

After the officer had written up one ticket, he approached Candice. Her defense was that she was merely following her husband. When that appeal failed, she tried another tack: 
"Do you give family discounts?"
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net).
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Tue 23 Jun 2015, 10:28 pm

On the Lighter Side

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly usher greeted her at the door. "Where
would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered. 

  -- By way of AndyChaps "The Funnies" 
  andychaps_the-funnies@aol.com
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 18 Jun 2015, 10:52 am

HUMOR
 
Ever wonder how confusing the English language can be.  Here are some commonly used OXYMORONS: ((contradictory words)
 
Alone together
Artificial intelligence
Clearly misunderstood  
Exact estimate          
Found missing    
Large minority
Legally drunk
Plastic silverware
Pretty ugly            
Random order
Small crowd
Soft rock
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Working vacation
 
…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 11 Jun 2015, 8:04 pm

HUMOR
 
The Will
 
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, and his wife, are with him.  He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
 
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair house. My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
 
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
 
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... He had paper routes!"
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)


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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 08 Jun 2015, 10:01 pm

HUMOR
 
Concert Program

When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed to attend a concert with her older sister and brother.  She assured me she was a big girl and would behave herself.

As we took our seats in the orchestra hall, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her older siblings, my three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up voice said, "Mommy, I'll have the chicken, please..."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 04 Jun 2015, 9:24 am

HUMOR
 
Recently in traffic court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed policeman had given his okay for the man to park there.

The judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.

The judge then said, "Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he owes you $157. Next."

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 28 May 2015, 7:08 pm

HUMOR
 
Parking Solution
 
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.

The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read.....   "You Park - You Preach."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Tue 26 May 2015, 7:49 am

HUMOR
 
A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department suspected he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
 
     Agent: "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."
 
          Farmer: "All right. I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."
 
     Agent (scribbling on note pad): "Anybody else?"
 
          Farmer: "Yeah, there's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."
 
     Agent: "Aha! I want to talk to that half-wit!"
 
          Farmer: "You're talkin' to him."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 23 May 2015, 2:48 pm

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible
for most of your troubles, you wouldn't be able to sit
down for a month. 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 21 May 2015, 11:25 pm

A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
‘So, what’s your story?’
The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy, served in submarines!
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 21 May 2015, 6:29 pm

HUMOR
 
Signs Found in Kitchens...
 
·       A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
·       A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression
     He Just Cleaned The Whole House. 
·       A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen...
     And This Kitchen Is Delirious
·       Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 
·       Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead
     Normal Lives.
·       Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out.
·       Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.
·       My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.
·       Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 18 May 2015, 10:04 am

HUMOR
 
Medical Records
 
As an expert witness in the healthcare profession, I have come across the following quotes from actual medical records dictated by physicians. For you MD's, excuse me!

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 14 May 2015, 3:04 pm


Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes.
Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 13 May 2015, 5:44 pm

HUMOR
 
Farewell...
 
The staff at our office was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.  As we prepared to go to the restaurant, we discovered that the giant balloon we purchased for the retiring 'guest of honor' wouldn't fit in the car. 

Determined to bring it along, we simply held the balloon out the window as we drove to the luncheon 
location. However we weren't prepared for the glares and dirty looks we were getting from pedestrians and adjoining cars at every intersection. As the long line of traffic in front of our vehicle 
began to turn, we discovered that our car was right behind a long funeral procession. 

There was really nothing we could do but hold on to our balloon with its large farewell message: "GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN" 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 07 May 2015, 6:36 pm

HUMOR
 
Big God
 
One day on the way home from church a little girl turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the preacher's sermon this morning confused me."

The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?

The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"

"Yes, that's true," the mother replied.

"He also said that God lives within us. Is that true too?"

Again the mother replied, "Yes."

"Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and he lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 04 May 2015, 8:55 pm

New Grandmother
 
As a new grandmother, I am very protective of my daughter Meredith's baby girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to see my grandchild. Meredith and a friend had taken little Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just coming up the street.  As soon as they reached me, I bent down to admire Allison and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, "Your little head is cold. You should have a hat on."

My daughter looked knowingly at her friend and said, "You owe me ten bucks."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 30 Apr 2015, 6:53 pm

Old Doc Carver
 
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls.  One afternoon, he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer"?

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage and returned with a hammer.  The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, 
"Do you have a chisel"?

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.  In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw.

The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.  He asked, "What are you doing to my wife"?  "Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can’t get my medical bag open."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 27 Apr 2015, 11:15 am

Help Thyself 

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of
her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked
for help, and she could see why. With her pulling and
him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When
the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She
almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure
enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on--this
time on the right feet. He then announced, "These
aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face
and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted
to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my
brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She
mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet
again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He
said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."1 

I can't help but wonder how many of my problems are
either caused or greatly increased because of my
foolishness or what I have done! 

  Cited by Alan Smith, www.TFTD-online.com
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