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Share your Jokes smiles here

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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 16 Jun 2011, 3:21 pm

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE

"Good morning, at present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep.. beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children, press 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.


If you want to borrow the car, press 3.
I
f you want us to wash your clothes and do your ironing, press 4.

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.

If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to the theater, start talking - we are listening!"
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 13 Jun 2011, 11:52 am

Excuses to give your teacher when you don't do your homework.... - I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the past.
- I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.
- A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again.
- Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.
- Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing.
- I'm not at liberty to say why.
- I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.
- It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.
- I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.
- I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.
- My mom used it as a dryer sheet.
- My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized.
- It's against my religion to do any homework.
- I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their death rays.
- I felt it wasn't challenging enough.
- My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.
- We had homework?!
- I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah."
- I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
- I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers.
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 12 Jun 2011, 7:41 pm


I finally figured out why I am so "full-figured" !
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock!

The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap! It says right on the bottle, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

It pays to read the warning labels my friends
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 11 Jun 2011, 4:22 pm

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They held up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
pale
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 10 Jun 2011, 1:46 pm


HOW DRY IS IT IN TEXAS?
It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,

the Methodists are using wet-wipes,

the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,

and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now that's dry!
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 02 Jun 2011, 2:56 pm

Pastor Jim was called to pastor a large Southern Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas. He had been pastoring a middle sized church in Minnesota and arrived on a Monday in San Antonio. He was greeted warmly and moved into the parsonage and his first official meeting was on Tuesday evening with his deacons.

"Brothers, I am interested in getting to know you and request your help in doing this by meeting here at the church Saturday morning at 8:00. While in Minnesota, I learned to enjoy bungee jumping and I felt it would be nice to fellowship down at that high bridge over the Medina River. I will make a jump and show you how it's done and perhaps you may like to try it also."

Saturday morning the deacons were all at the church and got into the church van and headed to the Medina River. Once they arrived, the group went to the bridge and observed a Mexican American family having a reunion below. At that Pastor Jim said, "I don't think it will be a real problem, I know the stretch on the cord and I will tie it off so we won't disturb that family."

Pastor Jim tied off the cord, put on his harness and climbed to the top of the hand rail, and with that he jumped. bounce As he got close to the bottom a huge cloud of dust arose with a bunch of gleeful laughter and shouts. Suddenly he arose and yelled, "HELP!!" affraid The deacons reached out for him but missed. Again Pastor Jim went down and again a huge cloud of dust, laughter, cheers and screams arose. As Pastor Jim came back up, all eight deacons reached out and grabbed him.

When he stood once again firmly on the bridge he asked, "Guys, what is a Pinata"? lol!
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 01 Jun 2011, 12:52 pm

I've seen this chuckle before but thought worth passing on.

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem:

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Tue 31 May 2011, 2:15 pm

Helping his wife wash the dishes,

a minister protested, This isn't a man's job!.

Oh yes, it is, his wife retorted, quoting 2 Kings 21:13:
I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain!
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Tue 24 May 2011, 9:06 am

CHUCKLE
A woman gets pulled over by a police officer and....
Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please."
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem, sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. "
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "Bet he told you I was speeding too. Suspect
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 22 May 2011, 1:58 pm

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com.

+++++++++++++++++++++++
Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log," which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.
The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.
Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.
The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.
"Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast."
Beth rushed to gather up more ingredients and hurry them to school, with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.
"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"
…..Teddi’s Humor (redactatrix@gmail.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Two guys were working for city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

+++++++++++++++++++++++
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
+++++++++++++++++++++

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in: "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
--------------
The following are supposed comments made by Police Officers:
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 08 May 2011, 9:05 am

A Pleased Psychic

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like.
The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and punched him in the nose. You can probably guess the rest.



I was arrested for striking a happy medium.
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 16 Apr 2011, 4:57 pm

minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

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Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 02 Apr 2011, 12:06 am

Life is full of surprise so often bad times how can we face such trials? We are reminded There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven-- (Ecc 3:1)
This thread is made to share clean jokes please come along and share what you have gleaned on the internet of something you find funny.
Thanks.
Here is a few of my contributions to start off.
<><
 

A few weeks after a young man had been employed, he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I've discovered this is the first position you've ever held."

"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:

"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.

"I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

A man was walking through a German forest when he saw this deep cave, so he decided to go exploring. He walked in a ways and saw a flickering light far ahead so he walked to it.

He was surprised to find an old man with a large stack of music scores in front of him. The old man was rubbing the notes off of the paper and laying the blank sheets aside.

The walker was astonished when he saw who he thought the man was. It seemed to be Mozart! He asked, "Are you Mozart?"

"Yes", the old man replied.

"Would that be Wolfgang Mozart?"

Again the reply was "Yes."

"Well, you've been dead for centuries. What are you doing rubbing those notes off of the music scores?"

[Ready for this ... ???]





The old man looked up, "I'm decomposing! "

STC (Senior Texting Codes)

Since more and more senior citizens are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for senior discounts, these are the codes for you:

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFPG: Best Friend Passed Gas
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...Can' t Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Feel free to add any codes you feel are missing;
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In


Last edited by Admin on Wed 05 Apr 2017, 11:06 am; edited 1 time in total
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