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Share your Jokes smiles here

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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 31 Oct 2011, 7:33 pm

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church..
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.



The priest replies: “Get out. You're on my side.” Embarassed

Health Message

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's behind. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 29 Oct 2011, 7:35 pm



Bumper Stickers
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You



Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 27 Oct 2011, 3:11 pm

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

The Director responded “No, a normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with a window?”

AND

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 22 Oct 2011, 7:21 pm

On the Lighter Side

It can be a challenge keeping a straight face as a
court reporter. The following are from a book called
Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people
actually [or supposedly] said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old
is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with
male.
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Tue 18 Oct 2011, 4:45 pm

A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked: "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"



"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 16 Oct 2011, 6:56 pm

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HOSPITAL IS MAKING COST-SAVINGS CUTS

10. They encourage your Facebook friends to 'like' one of your surgery options

9. Rescue helicopter also does traffic reports for local radio station

8. Paper or plastic colostomy bags

7. Discount drug bins on every floor

6. Etch-a-Sketch X-Rays

5. Guy from Office Depot now stapling up surgery patients

4. Pull start heart-lung machines

3. Shaking bag of chicken bones at wound now considered a 2nd opinion

2. Nurse pull cord replaced with friend request on their Facebook page

1. Coin-Operated I.V.s
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 15 Oct 2011, 6:01 pm

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.



I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.Wink

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HOSPITAL IS MAKING COST-SAVINGS CUTS
10. They encourage your Facebook friends to 'like' one of your surgery options

9. Rescue helicopter also does traffic reports for local radio station

8. Paper or plastic colostomy bags

7. Discount drug bins on every floor

6. Etch-a-Sketch X-Rays

5. Guy from Office Depot now stapling up surgery patients

4. Pull start heart-lung machines

3. Shaking bag of chicken bones at wound now considered a 2nd opinion

2. Nurse pull cord replaced with friend request on their Facebook page

1. Coin-Operated I.V.s

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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 13 Oct 2011, 1:55 pm

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems. Very Happy

Pregnant Blonde
The other day my neighbor, who happens to be blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.bounce

She said, “I have some really great news!” I said, “Great. Tell me why you're so happy.”

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, she told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, “That's great, I couldn't be happier for you!”

Then she said, “There's more.” I asked, "What do you mean there's more?" She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said... “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!!” lol!


A college professor met his new class on the first day of school. He stood before them and gave a nice introduction to the class and about himself.

Upon completion of his monologue he looked around the room and asked his students "If any of you think you are stupid, stand up." As he looked around he saw that all of his students did not stand.

He proceeded to ask the same question again, "If anyone thinks they are stupid to please stand up."

The college professor looked around and to his surprise one tall student in the back of the room stood up. The professor asked, "Do you think you are stupid?"

The first year student replied, "No, I just didn't want you to feel alone."geek
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 10 Oct 2011, 9:42 am

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant was stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was was also me, Coach" said the centipede.

"So where the heck were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Gimme a break, Coach," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 09 Oct 2011, 12:11 pm

In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er, right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?"

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 24 Sep 2011, 7:37 pm

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition.

My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew.

I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite:oops:



AND

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one can throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 19 Sep 2011, 6:10 pm

Dr. Gordon was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.



"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," Dr. Gordon replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question?" asked the hostess.

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' "

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 17 Sep 2011, 4:33 pm

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."



"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 12 Sep 2011, 9:40 am

O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Butt
Iron in the Arteries

And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

----
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where he is going so late at night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the detrimental effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
-----
The pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stands and walks to the podium.

She says, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Ted had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Ted must have experienced. "Ted was unable to hold me or the children," she continues, "and every move caused him terrible pain. "We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Ted's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringe and squirm uncomfortably as they imagine the horrible surgery performed on Ted. "Now," she announces in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Ted is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sigh with unified relief. The pastor rises and tentatively asks if anyone else had something to say.

A man stans up and walks slowly to the podium.

He says, "I'm Ted Smith." The entire congregation holds its breath.

"I just want to tell my loving and grateful wife that the word is STERNUM!!"

A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is *nutritionally complete* so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

------
Advice to an old guy ... an absolute heart-breaker

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"


The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 11 Sep 2011, 9:37 pm

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm.



That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750. 78 in cash."

The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Granny whispered, "Facebook... "
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 08 Sep 2011, 9:05 pm

On the Lighter Side

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the Internal Revenue Service calling. Can you
help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will," said Father O'Malley.

Copyright 2011 Mike Atkinson

www.mikeysFunnies.com.

You know you're getting older when...



a.. Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
b.. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
c.. Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
d.. Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
e.. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
f.. You look forward to a dull evening.
g.. Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
h.. Your back goes out more than you do.
i.. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
j.. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
k.. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
l.. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
m.. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
n.. Your back goes out but you stay home.
o.. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
p.. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
q.. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
r.. When happy hour is a nap.
s.. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
t.. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
u.. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
v.. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
w.. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
x.. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
y.. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
z.. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
aa.. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 04 Sep 2011, 9:32 am

These signs might not communicate what was hoped for.....



On a California freeway: Fine for Littering

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewellery store: Genuine Fauz Pearls

In a Kansas City oculist's office: Broken lenses duplicated here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot: Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only

Billboard on Florida highway: If You Can't Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On a Rapid City store: Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant: The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant: Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honouring Robert Frost: Frost Free Library
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 02 Sep 2011, 2:02 pm

Everything I need to know I learnt from a cow



1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It's better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Always let them know who's the bossy.

11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 29 Aug 2011, 5:37 pm

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.



Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 26 Aug 2011, 10:34 pm

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish horse-drawn carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was this hand printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
Train Good News/Bad News
A large, two-engine train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line (if you didn't guess by now), the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere.

The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn't take this trip in a plane!"
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 24 Aug 2011, 4:32 pm

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.



Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 20 Aug 2011, 6:15 pm

Ten Rules for Good Housekeeping. ..



1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

5. Make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later start all over again.

6. To hang up more clothes buy bigger door knobs.

7. Sweep the room with a glance.

8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.


Kids say.
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 19 Aug 2011, 3:00 pm

A friend of mine was visiting a college which had
those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If
you were wandering around the campus at night and felt
uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you
could hit the button and have a security officer come
investigate immediately.



On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of
Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"
-- Source Unknown
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 18 Aug 2011, 5:07 pm

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.



One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.


After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H...I, J, K."
She asks..."What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said..."Oh, that's so lovely...
What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen...but it will get better...


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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 17 Aug 2011, 2:22 pm



[size=12]The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.


"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.



"Did Miss Dede Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied.

"Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

[/size]
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