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Share your Jokes smiles here

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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 22 Dec 2011, 2:43 pm

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.Rolling Eyes Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!cheers


The Mall Santa

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains.

"If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your brother Mike is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes.

But after I asked Donnie this question, he became very quiet.

Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.

He promptly replied, "Another train."I love you
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 21 Dec 2011, 7:44 am

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

No The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."bom bom


In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said,


"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over,please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one of his fingers in Leroy's ear, then he took his other hand and placed it on top of Leroy's head;and then he prayed and prayed and eventually the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."clown
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 17 Dec 2011, 6:36 pm

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.Wink

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."bounce
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 14 Dec 2011, 5:29 pm

FAMILY CHRISTMAS ACTIVITY

Can You Match These??? (Match Songs with Lyrics)

_____ A Christmas Carol A Kids dressed up like Eskimos

_____ We Three Kings B Don we now our gay apparel

_____ The Christmas Song C Come and behold Him, born ----

_____ O Holy Night D city sidewalks, busy sidewalks

_____ Rockin Around the Christmas Tree E When those blue snowflakes

_____ Emmitt Otter’s Christmas F Please have snow and mistletoe

_____ White Christmas G the hopes and fears of all the ---

_____ God Bless Ye Merry Gentlemen H Angels bending near the earth

_____ Christmas Is A’Coming I Long lay the world in sin and ---

_____ Blue Christmas J Ho, Ho the mistletoe

_____ Little Town of Bethlehem K If I had a keg of cider

_____ Oh Come All Ye Faithful L As they shouted out with glee

_____ Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer M God bless us, one and all

_____ Deck the Halls N saying, “catch me if you can”

_____ Silver Bells O A mess of Mama’s Bar-B-Que

_____ I’ll Be Home for Christmas P From God, Our Heavenly Father

_____ Silent Night Q Holy infant, so tender and mild

_____ Frosty the Snowman R where tree tops glisten, and ---

_____ Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas S following yonder star

_____ It Came Upon a Midnight Clear T voices singing, Let’s be jolly

5 points for each correct answer

5 bonus points if you answer the following question correctly:

Which of the above songs was the most popular song ever, and who sang the

most popular version of it? _______________________________

______________________________

Score Your Personal Qualification

105 Expert - Santa’s Senior Assistant

95-100 Excellent - Santa’s Assistant

85-90 Good - Assistant to Santa’s Assistants

75-80 Nice Try - Shine Rudolph’s nose

65-70 Feed the reindeer

50-60 Groom the reindeer

0-45 Clean up the reindeer barn

…..“Christian Voices” (http://www.christianvoicesworldwide.net/)

(Answers will be published on December 26th!)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 07 Dec 2011, 10:18 am

Yes, We Have No Chocolate
A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate,"

"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"

The man says, "V-A-N."

"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."

"OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."

The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate."

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.queen
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 05 Dec 2011, 9:23 pm

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half
dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 03 Dec 2011, 4:16 pm

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.

The bookkeeper is deaf, so that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll blow his brains out!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?Rolling Eyes
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 02 Dec 2011, 7:53 pm

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.



As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"

"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.

"No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."Embarassed

And

The Irish Priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ..

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day to yerself... This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment...................................
Then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 01 Dec 2011, 4:43 pm

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."



He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"I love you

AND...
A regular customer walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight."

The man replies, "I sure am! Yesterday I was hired by the city to go around and collect money from the parking meters!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!"

With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they're gonna PAY me, too??!!" Very Happy
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 30 Nov 2011, 6:47 pm

Ed was in trouble. What a Face He forgot his wedding anniversary.No His wife was really mad.silent She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."Arrow

The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway.cyclops

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.affraid

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.lol!

AND....

If Restaurants Functioned Like Tech Support
Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down, called a waiter over and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 28 Nov 2011, 5:05 pm

A young man went into the drug store and told the druggist he wanted to buy 3 boxes of candy; a one pound box, a 3 pound box, and a 5 pound box. The druggist brought the candy then asked, "I'm curious why you're getting 3 different boxes."

The young man replied, "I have a date tonight with a girl I've been wanting to date for months. I'm going to her house for dinner and, afterwards, if she goes out to sit with me on the swing, I'll give her the 1 pound box; if she lets me put my arm around her, I'll give her the 3 pound box, and if she lets me kiss her, I'll give her the 5 pound box." The druggist agreed that the plan was ingenious.

That night the boy arrived for dinner and when they sat down to eat, the father asked the boy to ask the blessing. Well, the boy prayed and prayed and prayed until the girl had to elbow him to stop.

Afterwards as they sat on the porch swing, the girl said, "I didn't know you were so religious." To which the young man replied, "And I didn't know your Daddy was the druggist."Shocked
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 27 Nov 2011, 9:14 pm

Priceless..... The Yellow Light
The Yellow Light

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.''What a Face

Priceless

Irish Railway Woes
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.


Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan


Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible's Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his a$$. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your trains in the last two years!!!study

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 24 Nov 2011, 6:34 pm

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.

When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, and inserted a Cornish hen into the turkey cavity...then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

AND
Like every Sunday morning my son, David (5 years old), attended church with us. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon.

He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 21 Nov 2011, 5:32 pm

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights".



The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"

"No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."

"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up."Razz

AND..............

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted," Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."pale
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 20 Nov 2011, 9:43 pm

A boy was teaching MATHS to a girl :-



The boy kissed the girl, again kissed and said: This is *ADDITION*
.
Then the Girl kissed the boy and said: This is *SUBTRACTION*

They both kissed togather and said: This is *MULTIPLICATION*

Then the Girl's Father came and threw the boy out of the house and said: this is *DIVISION*alien
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 19 Nov 2011, 11:48 pm

] On the Lighter Side



One morning as Professor Thompson study was leaving for the
college his wife told her absent-minded husband,
"Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this
house this afternoon it will be empty."

Predictably he didn't remember until he found the
house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself,
"And where was it we were moving to?"

He went out in front of the house and asked a little
girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little
girl?"Question

"Yes," she replied.

"Can you tell me which way it went?"

She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show
you."bounce
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 18 Nov 2011, 5:44 pm

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.



The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in there for a while."

Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone doody yet."

Mother says, "Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says, "Works for ketchup!"clown
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 17 Nov 2011, 3:01 pm

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"



The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"geek
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Tue 15 Nov 2011, 6:35 pm

Carol's Gun



Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.

"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....

"And, Carol?"

"Yes, mom?"flower

"Call them first and let them know you're coming."Rolling Eyes
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 14 Nov 2011, 11:10 am

Three Boys Fishing - Do not read if you do not like political humor

THREE KIDS FISHING:geek:

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disney World". Barack said, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes". Barack said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them".

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset".

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, "but you don't look like you're handicapped".
The kid responds "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning".


AND...
HOLY HUMOUR.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside,
all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl
broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up." lol!

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he,
with just two worms." afro


AND

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of
the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters
a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but
he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely
get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite
Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was
his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my
Shepherd, and that's all I need to know." sunny

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always
paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day,
she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so
observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good
sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.Surprised

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she
say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" I love you

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers , she would bless
every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For
several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
"And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include
this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why
do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because
everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!" king queen

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was
being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating
right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his
mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother
insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at
our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows
how to cook."affraid


How to Tell the XXX of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Smile

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"Shocked


He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, cheers
2 were on the phone." bounce
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 13 Nov 2011, 7:33 pm

On the Lighter Side



One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to
inspect our class. First up was Private O'Malley. The
colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he
had on his 105 mm. howitzer.

"Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.

"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never
say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.'"

What's your name, soldier?" "Zero Malley, sir,"
answered the private.

-- Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" Received
from: America In Uniform.
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 12 Nov 2011, 6:16 pm

Little Dewey was one of those holy terrors.



His dad was surprised when Dewey's mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior?" he said.

"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."
geek lol!
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 11 Nov 2011, 7:41 pm

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.



"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 10 Nov 2011, 2:16 pm

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a OPP patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

" Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home.

" True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.

" Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake." pale
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Tue 08 Nov 2011, 6:54 pm

The Talking Frog alien



This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one..

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

With age comes wisdom...
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