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Share your Jokes smiles here

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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 17 Jul 2014, 9:43 pm

July 17, 2014
 
HUMOR
 
An ironworker calmly walked the narrow beam 15 floors above the city street. Even with heavy winds blowing and a driving rain falling, he showed no fear and never hesitated.


When he came down to ground level a man who had been watching asked, "How did you ever get a job like that?"


"Well," replied the ironworker, "I used to drive a school bus, but my nerves gave out."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 16 Jul 2014, 7:11 pm

On the Lighter Side

As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and
did research at night. I would usually take a break
around eight, however, to play the strategy game,
Warcraft, online with a teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who
was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our
troops crushed one opponent after another, and after
six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless
leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."

  Cited on ArcaMax Jokes for Monday, 
  www.arcamax.com.
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Thu 10 Jul 2014, 9:39 pm

HUMOR
 
POLITICAL APHORISMS 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more land tunnel. ~ John Quinton

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysfunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 06 Jul 2014, 5:12 pm

On the Lighter Side

A fellow goes into a florist shop that has a sign: "Say
It With Flowers."

He says, "One rose, please."

"Just one?" asks the florist.

"Yes. I'm a man of few words." 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
  To subscribe go to: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 30 Jun 2014, 11:26 am

“CHRISTIAN VOICES”
 
June 30, 2014
 
HUMOR
 
The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.

I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am - in the bedroom, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement - I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'"

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysfunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 28 Jun 2014, 11:01 pm

Enough is enough

As Buddy Hackett tells it, fellow comedian Jimmy
Durante was no golfer, try as he might. On one
particular day, Durante's first round was terrible.
When the Schnoz stepped up for the 18th hole, his score
had already soared to well over 200. He took a 12 on
the final hole and turned to his partner.

"What should I give the caddy?" he asked softly.

"Your clubs," his friend replied.

-- From Speaker's Treasury of Sports Anecdotes, Stories
and Humor, by Gerald Tomlinson, published by Prentice
Hall, 1990, p. 13. Cited in Parables etc, July 2004
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 28 Jun 2014, 11:00 pm

On the Lighter Side

Finals

There were four college sophomores taking chemistry and
all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were
so confident that the weekend before finals, they
decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time but, after all the hearty
partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it
back to campus until early Monday morning. 

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that
after the final they would explain to their professor
why they missed it. They said that they visited
friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a
result, they missed the final. The professor agreed
they could make up the final the next day. The guys
were excited and relieved. They studied that night for
the exam. 

The next day the Professor placed them in separate
rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly
answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they
thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was
going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the
second page was written: "For 95 points: Which tire?"

  -- Submitted by Steve Testrake
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 23 Jun 2014, 9:44 pm

HUMOR
 
Dewey was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Dewey, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Dewey took a step backward. "Ah ... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."

"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!"

Dewey's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for an hour. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysfunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 20 Jun 2014, 8:52 pm

On the Lighter Side

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was
very grieved because he had worked so hard for his
money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to
heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to
take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but
you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He
might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow
him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God
has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and
fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates
of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase,
Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring
that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and
asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure
enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're
right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm
supposed to check its contents before letting it
through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items
that the man found too precious to leave behind and
exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

  Source: Mickey's Funnies.
  To subscribe go to: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 07 Jun 2014, 10:41 pm

On the Lighter Side

My kid brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for
long periods on business. When he got back from Europe
one time, he called our parents' home and told Dad he
was about to pay them an unexpected visit.

When Dad hung up the phone, he called to mother. "The
prodigal son is returning! Kill the fatted zucchini!"

  -- Cited on andychaps_the-funnies Andychap@aol.com
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 31 May 2014, 10:28 pm

On the Lighter Side

Dewey was returning home from a business trip, bags in
hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the
crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car
screeched to a stop in front of Dewey, and the driver
pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver
ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Dewey took a step backward. "Ah ... no
thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."

"No!" the man called back as he threw open his
passenger side door: "Get In!"

Dewey's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to
find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he
said, "I've been driving up and down for an hour. I
can't find a space to park and I want yours."

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
  To subscribe go to: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Tue 27 May 2014, 9:50 am

Sermon

Giving a sermon one Sunday, I heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people. I interrupted my sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down. 

When the service was over, I went to greet people at the front door. Three adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again. 

…..Docs Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 23 May 2014, 6:46 pm

HUMOR
 
Lunch Money
 
In our town's elementary school at the beginning of the year, the school secretary 
routinely collects the lunch money from the new kindergartners. This solves the problem 
of lost money.  But for nervous 5-year-olds, it took a few days to understand what was happening.
 
For two days, the secretary would come into the room and ask in a loud voice, "Does 
anybody have any lunch money for me?"  Her question was met with no response.
 
On the third day, one little boy came in at the bell, walked hesitantly to the teacher's desk, held out his hand and whispered, "Here is lunch money from my piggy bank for the poor lady nobody gives money to."

…..Docs Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sat 17 May 2014, 9:22 pm

HUMOR
 
Stampede
 
Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting their end of the year program for the congregation - telling about the life of Jesus. 

When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The teacher urged him to tell us more. 

He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been a stampede of dead guys." 

Needless to say our congregation enjoyed the presentation very much. 

…..Docs Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 11 May 2014, 5:59 pm

On the Lighter Side

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who
was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let
you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he
gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."

  - Cited on www.sermons.com
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Sun 04 May 2014, 6:58 pm

On the Lighter Side

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was
doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.

"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are
you doing, by the way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my
trumpet."

-- Cited on
http://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/andychaps_the-funnies/info
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 02 May 2014, 8:16 am

Best I have won is a doughnut!



A blonde goes into a Tim Horton's and notices there's 
A 'roll up the rim' sticker on her coffee cup. 
So she unfolds it and starts screaming, 
'I've won a motorhome! 
I've won a motorhome!' 
The waitress says, 'That's impossible. 
The biggest prize is car .?' 
But the blonde keeps on screaming, 
'I've won a motorhome! 
I've won a motorhome!' 
Finally, the manager comes over and says, 
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. 
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome 
Because we didn't have that as a prize. 
The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. 
I've won a motorhome!' 
And she hands the cup to the 
Manager and HE reads...




(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !) 




'W I N A B A G E L'
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 02 May 2014, 8:16 am

Free Will
A young couple comes into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The man, who has never talked to a pastor before, is quite nervous, and the pastor tries to put him at ease.

When they come to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there is a long pause.

Finally, the young woman looks over at her apprehensive groom and says, "Put down yes!"
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 02 May 2014, 8:15 am

Lawyer's Money

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."

"Why do you say that?"

"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.' "


Free Will
A young couple comes into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The man, who has never talked to a pastor before, is quite nervous, and the pastor tries to put him at ease.

When they come to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there is a long pause.

Finally, the young woman looks over at her apprehensive groom and says, "Put down yes!"
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 02 May 2014, 8:08 am

Took a sec for the coin to drop. 

The Cosmonaut

A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere, and his spacecraft crash lands in the Australian 'outback,' way out in the middle of nowhere.

After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in an outback hospital, very rustic and dirty, with foul smells, and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff-looking nurse approaching him as he lies in his cot.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks with a deep sense of resignation and fear.

"No mate," the Aussie nurse replies. "You came here yesterday."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 02 May 2014, 7:59 am

Emotional extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Fri 02 May 2014, 7:58 am

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.


A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Mon 28 Apr 2014, 7:28 pm

On the Lighter Side

A few weeks ago as our pastor was preaching the sermon,
our Music Director was acting a little frantic and
working hard to change a song we were scheduled to sing
after the sermon was over.

Our pastor was preaching on the topic, "What About
Hell." The song that we were scheduled to sing was
"Light the Fire."

  -- Source: Unknown
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Tue 22 Apr 2014, 5:17 pm

On the Lighter Side

Newspaper Article "Foul-Ups!" 

Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and
lectured on "Destructive Pests." A large number were
present.

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but
City officials are holding their breath until it is
officially finished.

The ladies of the County medical society auxiliary plan
to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the
Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest
outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade
yesterday headed by the Governor. 

The attorney general's office said yesterday that an
autopsy performed on the headless body of a man found
in Mason failed to determine the cause of death.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and
Thursday, which will be followed by Friday.

  -- Source Unknown
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Re: Share your Jokes smiles here

Post  Admin on Wed 16 Apr 2014, 6:08 pm

On the Lighter Side

Question to kids: What would it take to make your Mom
perfect? 

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I
think some kind of plastic surgery. 

2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. 

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what
would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room
clean. I'd get rid of that. 

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was
my sister who did it and not me. 

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible
eyes on the back of her head. 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
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